Three Little Words
by iSkematic
Summary: The setting is post Always so Spoiler Alert! Everything is fair game, even the Nikki Heat novels. This is my take on the morning after; how Castle and Beckett start wading through the events that led up to the night that would change everything.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N** This is my first ever submission to a writing site of any kind. Yes, I'm a newbie. Thank you in advance for all who take the time to post reviews. All reviews are greatly appreciated as I hope to use them to improve my writing.

Of course it goes without saying that I don't own any part of Castle. Those belong to Andrew Marlowe, ABC and all those that I don't know but have a legal claim. Thank you to those owners for letting us play in the universe that they have created.

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1:53 am. Kate should be exhausted. She was exhausted. She had only gotten a handful of hours sleep the last few days but it still eluded her. In one twenty four hour period she lost her partner, got knocked around by the guy who put a bullet in her chest, almost thrown off of a roof, suspended from her job and subsequently quit said job.

Staring at the ceiling wasn't helping. Her mind wouldn't let her rest. It keeps dragging her into the past. The events of the past 24 hours, the past year since her shooting, kept replaying themselves over and over in her mind.

Kate had faced death before, numerous times in fact. This time she was hanging from the edge of a roof, her hand tiring, her fingers losing their last bit of strength. She was going to die this time, but this time she was alone. For the past four years, every time she stared death in the eyes Castle had been there with her. He was her rock. Castle knew when to press her, when to challenge her, when to back away and give her space to work things out. She had told him that he didn't know her but he did. She couldn't admit it to herself. If she did, she could be hurt and she didn't want to hurt.

Her strength was gone and then she heard it; his voice calling out to her telling her to hang on. She screamed his name. He came back for her. No, he was so close! She had to hang on! She heard his voice, telling her to hang on. She couldn't, her strength was gone. She was falling, and a hand extended and clutched hers. Hope! A life line! In that moment the walls in her mind, those encasing her heart and soul exploded. A hand grabbed hers, but it wasn't his. She noticed the wedding ring first. Rick's hand didn't have a ring. It was Ryan's was the hand that caught her, pulled her to safety. She was confused. She would swear that she heard his voice. His name escaped her lips, "Castle..." Ryan just shook his head. She lost him. She pushed him away again and this time he didn't come back.

Kate's mind barely registered the thrashing that Captain Gates was giving her and Espo. She tried to explain that Esposito was not to blame. He was only following her orders. Gates was having none of that and cut her off, suspending them both and demanding their badges and guns. Esposito handed his over. As Beckett was laying her badge on the desk, she realized that it didn't matter anymore. There was more to her life and that singular fact suddenly became crystal clear. Her life wasn't only the job. She wanted to figure out what that life entailed. "Keep it, I resign." She cleared her desk out and with one look back walked away.

She didn't have a destination. She just walked and thought. Her walls, her protections, her excuses no longer existed. They lay in rubble at her feet. She wandered the city in the rain. She might not have her badge anymore but she was still a cop. She couldn't just turn off her mind. Years of investigating telling her mind to retrace all of the events of the past year; put together this small fact with that small realization and make the picture come into focus.

The first piece that she grabbed onto was the night in her apartment before she was shot.

_Castle asked her to walk away; to give up the investigation into her mother's murder. Everyone associated with the case was dead. He knew that she would be next. He challenged her again. He wanted her to drop the case. He told her to think of the people who loved her, think of her father, Josh. Looking back, she knew that he was right but she refused to see it. She felt angry, betrayed and lashed out. _

_She tried to put him on the defensive. "And what about you Rick?" She tried to get him to express his feelings about them. He side stepped, didn't take the bait._

"_Well of course I don't want anything to happen to you. I'm your partner, I'm your friend." says Castle._

_His evasiveness just made her angrier. "Is that what we are?" she replied. She struck home. He wore armor too and she just found a weak spot. Anyone who didn't know him as well as she did would have missed it, the flash of pain in his eyes. That flash was gone as quickly as it came. She could see his blue eyes grow darker as his anger increased._

"_You know, I don't know what we are." Castle shot back. He knew that he should calm down. He might say something that he's going to regret, but he can't. The fear and frustration built up inside won't let him stop. "We kiss and we than we never talk about it. We nearly die frozen in each other's arms, but we never talk about it. So no, I got no clue what we are. I know I don't want to see you throw your life away."_

_Beckett didn't back down. "Yea well last time I checked it was my life, not your personal jungle gym. And for the past three years, I have been running around with the schools funniest kid and it's not enough."_

"_You know what? This isn't about your mother's case anymore. This is about you needing a place to hide. Because you've been chasing this thing so long you're afraid to find out who you are without it."_

"_You don't know me Castle! You think you do but you don't!"_

"_I know you crawled inside your mother's murder and didn't come out. I know you hide there, the same way you hide in these nowhere relationships with men you don't love." The anger in Castle started to subside. His eyes started to soften as sorrow crept into his voice. "You could be happy Kate. You deserve to be happy, but you're afraid."_

_He did it again. He hit too close to home. Beckett felt him punch right through her walls, just like he did the first time they met. No! He had no right to do that, not now. Not when she was so close to putting together the pieces. He always made her head spin. She couldn't afford to let her feelings for him take control of her. She had to push it down; had to fight back. She had to get rid of him, take control again._

"_You know what we are Castle, we are over. Now get out."_ She kicked him out of her apartment and pushed him away. Only he wouldn't stay gone like all the others.

Kate turned her head and saw the messed up head of hair next to her. A smile crossed her lips as she caressed the hand that lay across her stomach. She gently took his hand and lifted to slide out from beneath it. She felt his arm tense slightly as she began to move. Even in his sleep he was possessive. Kate didn't mind, it wasn't an overbearing possessiveness. It was just enough to make her feel comfortable, to make her feel safe. She gently rubbed his hand and the tension gave way letting her slip from his bed.

Her clothes were still wet from the rain of the previous night so she grabbed Castle's shirt from the floor. Kate had been to the loft many times and even though they were alone she wasn't comfortable walking around without clothing. She held the shirt to her nose as she slipped it on, inhaling his scent. She couldn't suppress the smile as she realized while buttoning the shirt that the top two buttons were missing. They were a little impatient last night.

She quietly opened the bedroom door to his office. There were no lights on. Castle had turned them out when they had taken a break and he had gone to the kitchen to get some refreshments. The storm had blown itself out and left a clear sky with a full moon. Plenty of light filtered through the windows allowing Kate to walk around without fear of knee knocks or stubbed toes. She ran her hand along the front edge of his desk as she passed by, savoring the feel of the dark wood beneath her fingertips. In the years that she had known him she had never seen him writing. Creating the words that brought her more comfort than he could ever imagine. She could see him there, furiously typing with a furrowed brow and his tongue stuck between his lips. It was kind of juvenile she knew but it was how she pictured his childlike side and it was very endearing.

Kate left the office and made her way through the living area to the kitchen. She needed something to drink. She would love a cup of coffee but she could never get the hang of working the fancy machines that Castle loved. A steam explosion wouldn't be the best thing to happen right now. She didn't want to wake him. The last few days hadn't been easy for him either and he needed the sleep. Kate opened the refrigerator and saw an open bottle of red wine, a really good red wine after examining the label. Castle did have excellent taste in wine and could afford the best. She took a glass from the cupboard, poured herself just enough to relax and made her way back to the office.

She retrieved her cell phone from her coat pocket on the office floor and sat on the window seat, looking out over the city that she loved. The city that gave her so much but also took so much in return. She wondered about the onslaught of text and voice messages that would be waiting for her as she powered on the phone. She had shut it off when she left the 12th. She wasn't in mood to talk to anybody at the time. She examined the list of texts as she savored the first sip of wine. A dozen or so from Lanie, that was expected. There was one text from Ryan. There was nothing from Espo; neither text nor voice message. She was going to have to find a way to fix that. This was completely her fault. She was their leader. It was her decisions that set everything in motion, caused everything to fall apart and break her team. She wasn't sure how to fix it yet but she would figure out a way. She had to. Everyone deserved more than she given them in the last few days.

Lanie was working the overnight and Kate knew she would be in the office. She really should call her, wanted to call her. She needed to talk to her best friend. She couldn't quite make the call though. She needed a little more time. She didn't want the world to intrude on her solitude.

Kate took another sip of wine and wrapped her arms around her legs, resting her check upon her knees. Actually it was _their_ solitude now. She wasn't alone anymore. Castle wasn't just her partner anymore. He was her 'one and done' and she was finally ready to accept that. She had been working up to this, slowly over this last year with Doctor Burke. She raised her fingers to her chest brushing them over the scar between her breasts, just left of center. A slight smile tugged at the edges of her mouth. She had always had a sense of fear and panic when she had done that before. The feeling that she came to recognize was the oncoming of a PTSD episode. There was still a bit of that remaining but something else was there too. There was a warm feeling that slowly spread, radiating outward from her heart. She was healing. The psychological healing that she had been in search of for the last thirteen years was starting to take root.

She got up from the her seat while finishing the last of the wine and set both the glass and her phone on his desk as she headed back to the bedroom. Kate stood next to the bed watching Castle as he slept. Not too long ago she would have called this creepy. She had said that to him on several occasions when he would watch her doing paperwork at the precinct. She got it now as she studied his sleeping form; memorizing every curve, every line.

She smiled again as she removed her (and his) clothes. He stirred before she could get back into bed. There was enough light for Kate to see the frown on come across his face, the distress.

"No… my fault… please, don't leave me… I love you."

Castle was having a nightmare. Kate's brushed at her eyes as they started to tear. He never gave her any sign of the lingering effects of her shooting. Of course he wouldn't let on. He tried to be her rock, her foundation. She should have guessed that he was in pain. She gently got back into bed so as not to wake him.

"Shhh… I'm here," she whispered. "I'm not going anywhere." Lightly she trailed her fingers across his brow, trying to sooth away the tension.

He blamed himself for her shooting. She couldn't see it before. When she woke up she thought that maybe his confession of love was because he thought that he was never going to see her again. But what if it was the truth? That thought both elated her and scared her. She wasn't sure what she should do. She was broken and someone still wanted her dead. He might make another attempt. She had to protect him the only way she could. She thought that the best thing to do at the time was push him away. If Castle wasn't near her, he was safe.

She had her dad bring her a copy of Heat Rising while she was at his cabin recovering. She knew after reading it that his confession in the cemetery was real. It finally dawned on her that Rook taking the bullet for Nikki at the end was Castle's guilt about reopening her mother's case. He wished that it could have been him that took that bullet instead of her. She slowly read the acknowledgement at the end of the book. She wanted to read them immediately but it wasn't in her to jump to the end. She always read books from start to finish, especially his books. The truth was there. He had asked her once how do you know when you're in love and she had told him that all the songs make sense. It was a flippant remark at the time but he took it to heart. His acknowledgement to her read: "Detective Kate Beckett has shown me the ropes of homicide investigation, not to mention how to make sense of songs."

Kate lay on her side with her head in crook of her elbow, slowly running that back of her fingers down his cheek trying to take his fear away; trying to rid him of the nightmare that was invading his sleep. Tears fell from her eyes now, leaving small pools on her arm that she ignored. What she was doing wasn't working. That nightmare still had its claws in Castle's subconscious. She thought back to what Javier had said to her; what had started to help her through her own PTSD.

Kate leaned close and whispered into Castle's ear. "You're broken… we both are broken, and that's o.k. We broke each other. We'll get through this and fix each other." Kate's mind suddenly went calm as a single thought revealed itself in her mind. There was an almost audible click as the first stone settled into place of the new foundation of her soul.

She pressed the length of her body next to his, placed a gentle kiss on his ear and whispered his name and three little words.

"Rick, I love you."

The tension on Rick's sleeping face eased as he laid his arm across her waist to reassure himself that she was there. Kate laid her head on his shoulder and wrapped her arm around his chest. She felt her body relax as the safety of his touch finally allowed her to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N** - Post Always from Castle's eyes. All errors completely belong to me as I don't have a beta reader. I will try to keep updating in a timely manner. Work volume shifted into overdrive and that does pay the bills so I may not too much free time. Sleep would be a good thing too. Fear not avid readers, I will squeeze some time in every day to purge my brain of this story that just won't leave me alone.

Also, I own nothing. Andrew Marlowe & ABC own it all. Thanks to them, Nathan, Stana and the rest of the gang for letting me play with what they bring to life.

Thank you too all who read chapter one and dropped me a line or review. All are much appreciated.

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9:30am.

Castle slowly opened his eyes as thins strips of sunlight finally pushed their way through his closed eyelids. He has always been sort of a night person. He always thought he did his best writing in those late hours when the darkness brought out the worst in people. Bad things happened in darkness. People instinctively feared the darkness, the eyes could mislead and the mind could always imagine the worst. Castle used it as fuel for his books. He did write during the day but his grittiest stuff came out at night.

He woke further and noticed an arm on his chest, loosely clutching the sheet that's draped across him and his companion's bodies, Kate's arm. "I guess mornings would be so bad if this is how I woke up every day," he thought.

He was fully awake now. Castle smiled as memories of last night flooded back. He really wanted to roll towards her and fall back to sleep, forcing those pleasant memories to become dreams that he could vividly enjoy a second time. Unfortunately his bladder wouldn't let him. The call of nature was getting too insistent to ignore. Castle tried to lift her hand without waking Kate, but her grip on the sheet increased. A gasp almost escaped his lips as her grip included a good amount of his chest hair. Tall woman, big hands, strong grip.

Castle relaxed and so did Kate's fist but his bladder was telling him that it was definitely time to get up. He gently rubbed her hand and leaned toward her to place a kiss on her forehead. He heard a deep sigh and her fist relaxed enough for him to slip out.

He quietly crossed the room to his closet to grab boxers, a tee shirt and the Superman sweatpants that he picked up at last year's Comic-Con. It seemed appropriate because he felt a bit like the Man of Steel this morning (not like that), invincible and ready to take on the world. His mind eased a bit as he dressed. He was afraid the she would wake and regret what had happened the night before. Her grip wasn't clingy, that was _not_ the Kate Beckett that he knew. Castle thought of it as more possessive, sort of an "I've finally got you and I'm not letting go" type of grip. He could get used to that. He felt the same way.

He left the bedroom through the door to his study, planning on using the guest bathroom next to the laundry room so as not to wake her. He noticed of the wine glass and her cell phone on his desk. She must have been up sometime during the night while he slept. As he picked up the glass, her cell phone vibrated signaling a new text message. He wanted to check it but resisted the urge. He won't cross anymore privacy lines with her. He's definitely learned his lesson there.

He placed the wine glass on the kitchen island and he made his way to the bathroom. This time the groan does escape his lips. Every guy knows the joy of release of that first bathroom break in the morning. He gave a slight chuckle as visions of Austin Powers flash across him mind, "Evacuation complete". He washed his hands and grabbed some spare toothpaste from the medicine cabinet to finger brush his teeth. It was a little bit juvenile, he knew, but he didn't care. He really hated fuzzy morning mouth.

He opened the front door to grab the morning paper and made his way to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee. No steaming this morning just brewing. The bedroom is pretty well sound proofed and on the other side of the study but he didn't want anything to disturb Kate. He removed the sports page and set it aside. He found out that Kate was a Yankee fan when she met Joe Torre during the Cano Vega case. He made a mental note to see when the next home game was, see if Kate wanted to catch a game.

He sat on one of the island stools and put the paper down, lost in thought as he waited for the coffee finish brewing. His thoughts turned somber. He had thought he lost her. Actually he was the one who had walked away. He thought he threw away any future that they may have had. He absently placed a hand over the knot that formed in the pit of his stomach

She said that she almost died yesterday. His imagination started to run with all of the possible ways that may have happened. "No! Don't think about it! She is here now and she'll tell you when she's ready." There was no need to go there. The reality of it will be hard enough to take without his imagination being thrown into the mix. He should have been there though; shouldn't have walked away. He didn't think that he would ever be able purge himself of that guilt. The best that he can do is to make a promise both to him, and her, that he'll never walk away again.

Kate said that the shooter got away. He was still out there. Did she drop her mother's case or is it waiting in the background waiting to drag her down the rabbit hole again? Could he bear to watch that happen again? He would! They would get though all of it together. He could tell that something had changed in her, but how did it all fit together?

"Enough!" he thought. "You'll drag yourself back into it. You erased the file so just let it go!" They would have to talk about it at some point be he decided to let her bring it up. It was another line that he would never cross again.

His mind started warring with itself. He really wanted to wake her up and talk about it. He suddenly had the need to talk about everything with her, subtext wouldn't do anymore. That was best left books and movies; it never worked out so well in the real world. He had firsthand experience with that. He wouldn't wake her though. He'd seen how grumpy she could be after she'd just woken up. He smiled to himself, of course they were handcuffed together at the time and that would make anyone grumpy. Maybe they can try the handcuff thing now that events have unfolded the way they have, no tiger though. He had learned to appreciate the majesty of tigers, but we wanted to appreciate them from afar from now on, like television far.

The coffee finished brewing so he grabbed a cup from the cupboard and poured himself his first jolt of the day. He really wanted to share that first cup of the day with her; see the smile on her face that lights up her eyes. It had become their thing. The last few days had taken their toll on him so she must be exhausted. He wanted to let her sleep until she woke up on her own; let her body grab all the rest that it needed. He would do the next best thing and crossed to the pantry to find the thermal carafe. He poured half the pot in the carafe to keep it warm and put together a small setting of skim milk and sweetener. He grabbed a small tray and an NYPD coffee mug that he swiped from the break room at the precinct and organized everything just so.

Castle balanced the tray in one hand and his own cup in the other as he walked into the study. He placed his cup on his desk and made his way to the bedroom. The tray started to tip as he reached the door and he froze as the tray's content came together and made noise. He tensed and quickly righted the tray, letting out the breath that had caught in his throat. He quietly entered the bedroom and placed the tray on the nightstand next to the bed cracking the top of the carafe just enough to let some of the aroma escape but still retain most of the heat. If he couldn't enjoy the first cup of the day with her then he would make sure that she woke up to the smell of her beloved beverage.

He was just about to leave the bedroom and turned for one last glimpse of her before exiting. The small bit of light that pushed its way through the closed blinds framed her face in thins lines of light and shadow. His breath caught again as he took in her beauty in the contrasting light. The tranquility in her expression made him think that the combination of dark and light perfectly expressed her personality. The shadow and light aspects that warred within her. It may have just been his writer's imagination, but it seemed that the mixture was now… right. Before, each struggled for dominance of her but now they seem to exist in some sort of balance. He could watch her sleep for hours but he didn't want her to wake up and catch him given her views on the "creepy factor", so he took his leave and left her to sleep.

He picked up his coffee cup from his desk and sat at the window seat looking over the city that he loved; the city that had given him so much and demanded much in payment. The city gave him an endless supply of ideas for his books, a large variety of foods and entertainment, and the greatest daughter any father could ask for. It also took the first love of his life, Kyra, and left him with two ex-wives. Come to think of it, the payment demanded seemed always to be in the form of relationships. Of course if he was being honest with himself, he was more to blame than the city.

He jumped into the relationship with Meredith much too quickly after Kyra. He was young and foolish, just trying to forget, have a little fun. Well Meredith got pregnant and Castle did the honorable thing and proposed. He had grown up without a father and he sure as hell wasn't going to put his child through that. He knew that Meredith wasn't the family type, but had hoped that having a baby would settle her. That was a mistake. Meredith was a lot like his mother, and that was something that he really didn't want to dwell on. Unlike his mother, Alexis' mother didn't stick around. It wasn't an ideal situation, but his early and continued success allowed him to be there and raise his daughter himself.

Gina was a mistake that never should have happened. Castle was always a good father but his non-fatherly exploits tended to make page six in the Ledger. Gina had her good qualities. She was a great publisher but not a good wife for him. She was too controlling. There was a small part of Castle that thought that Gina roped him in to force him to concentrate more on writing and to keep name out of the papers. Even when they tried to make give it a second try two years ago she was more about business then about the relationship. If fact she _did_ drop back into his personal life when he was way behind on 'Naked Heat'. The only reason the he went along with her to try to forget about Kate. She was with Demming. Of course that didn't work, couldn't forget about her. Gina badgered him until he got his book done, but he was miserable all summer.

He was right when he told his mother that it wasn't about the books anymore. He wasn't quite sure when it happened but he knew that he was falling in love with her. She changed him; he wanted to change for her, but she didn't feel the same way. She was with someone else and she seemed happy. It was more proof that he had changed. He just wanted her to be happy, even if it was without him. He thought that he was doing the honorable thing when he left. He was bowing out. That was why he didn't call when he got back from the Hamptons. He thought that she was still with Demming. Did he do what he had accused Kate of? Did he actually just run and hide? Maybe he should have stayed and fought for her?

He was definitely in a funk this morning. Which seemed really odd since the woman that he had been dreaming about since the night she crashed his book signing party four years ago was asleep in his bed right now. A frown creased Castle's forehead. "Maybe it was the dream?"

It was more of a nightmare than a dream. He never had a problem with any of the bodies that he had seen since he started shadowing Beckett (he thought it was kind of funny how he used her last name when he thought of her in relation to her work). He had seen the worst of what humans can do to each other and it never gave him nightmares. The nightmares varied but they had one thing in common, Kate's death.

They started when she had to shoot Dick Coonan to save him...

_Coonan fulfilled his promise and put a round in his liver. He collapsed to the ground and saw Kate freeze, watching him bleed out. It gave Coonan time to put two in her chest before Captain Montgomery shot him. Kate turned her head and looked at him as they both lay on the precinct floor. He tried to move to her but couldn't because his legs wouldn't work. He reached out to her, tried to comfort her. He saw her own blood stain her lips and the single tear run down her check. He thought he saw… something in her eyes but couldn't quite decipher what she was trying to say. Before he could, it was gone. The light left her eyes and she was gone._

He always woke in a cold sweat from those dreams. They always ended when she died. He would find her body burned in the ruins of her apartment. She died frozen in his arms when Ryan and Esposito didn't find them in time. She was vaporized in front of his eyes when a dirty bomb exploded. She drowned in the Hudson when he couldn't find her gun and free her. They were variations on a theme but the end result was always the same.

The one thing that had always eased his mind was that they were together. They watched each other's back like partners should. Only yesterday he wasn't there. She said she almost died, that was what triggered the nightmare. He should have been there. He started this by opening Kate's mother's murder case and he should have been there to end it. He opened old wounds for her and new one for himself.

Castle gave himself a mental nudge. He didn't want this today… this mood. She was here now. They were finally together. They had a lot to work through; a lot to talk about and they certainly didn't do a lot of talking last night. That did bring a smile to his face. They were together now and they had time.

Castle gave a big sigh. He felt a little better now, and started brushing aside the lingering effects of last night's dream. The nightmare wasn't as bad as it usually was. I just sort of faded away before it got really bad. Castle smiled again, bigger this time. This time he felt it in his gut, that same warmth that he felt when Kate first kissed him last night. She was the answer. She was next to him. That's why the nightmare was held at bay.

"I guess third time _is_ a charm," he thought. "She's the one." She was the one that he'd been looking for when he didn't even know he was looking. The irony was she was the one who found him, walked into _his_ life. What was it that Jim Beckett said? With him and Kate's mother it was like a slow burn. It took him three years to figure out that he was in love with her. The way he heard Kate talk about them, they poured every bit of themselves into the time that they did have together. He and Kate may be a little behind that curve but now they've got a chance to make up the time they'd lost. It will be one of the great love stories; the storybook romance that all future stories will be based on.

Castle rolled his eyes at himself as he went to the kitchen to pour himself another cup of coffee. He really could be a big sap. "Sue me," he thought. "I'm happy."

There was still a bit of lingering moodiness rolling around in his brain as he headed back to the office. He figured he would do what he usually did when these moods descended. He sat at his desk and opened his laptop and powered it on.

"What to write, what to write… ah!"

_Kate,_

_I make my living with words but they abandon me whenever I get close to telling you how I feel. So instead of something fancy, which I know you'd hate, I'll just come out and say it… I love you._


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N** – The conversation that Castle recalls in chapter 2 was taken from season 3 episode 13 outtakes. It was cut from that episode but reshot for the season 3 finale. You can find it on Youtube if you don't have the DVD set.

I also will be doing some redlining for chapters 1 and 2. The stories won't change but I want to do some fixes to tighten up some of the grammar and sentence structure. When I do my writing and posting in the middle of the night some things tend to slip through the cracks.

As always, I don't own anything, etc., etc… Reviews are this fledgling writer's motivation. Drop me a line with any comments, questions or suggestions. Forward we go! Enjoy.

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9:50am.

Kate could smell it before she opened her eyes and smiled. Coffee! She opened her eyes and there it was, a coffee pot and setting on the nightstand. She glanced at the alarm clock next to the tray and nearly panicked. It was almost ten o'clock. She overslept!

"Wait," she thought as the events of the previous day came back to her now conscious mind. "I don't have to be anywhere." That was going to take some getting used to. It came as a bit of a surprise to her that she was ok with it; not having a job. She would address that at some point but what she really wanted right now was some of that liquid heaven that was tempting her from the nightstand.

A slight groan escaped her lips as she threw back the sheet and started to swing her legs over the side of the bed. Adrenaline was a wonderful thing but there was a price to pay when it left your system. It was a price that she would happily pay. She felt like she had just been through a rebirth of sorts and with birth there was pain. The pain let her know she was a live; that she had something to live _for_.

She searched for her panties first and found them draped over the lamp on the opposite side of the bed. "Yea we were a bit impatient last night," she thought smiling. She just couldn't stop smiling. She slipped the shirt over her shoulders that she wore when she got up last night then poured herself a cup of coffee. She closed her eyes and inhaled. "I could get used to waking up like this every day." She took her first sip as she made her way to the slightly ajar bedroom door.

She was about to open the door when she heard the sound of fingers moving across a keyboard. She couldn't resist a peek. It probably wouldn't have been a big deal to him; after all he was doing what he did every day. To Kate, it was a glimpse into his private world. It was a chance to see how he did it. He had seen her process nearly every day for the last four years now she could see his.

He was sitting at his desk, his fingers moving across the keyboard with the swift confidence of someone adept at his craft. There was no pause of his fingers, just a look of concentration on his face. It was as if there was a direct link between his mind and the computer beneath his hands and the words just flowed from his mind to screen before him.

"Wow," she thought. "That's what magic looks like."

In her mind's eye she saw all of the characters that she loved spring to life. Derek Storm, Clara Strike, Nikki Heat. She really did hate that name in the beginning, but after reading 'Heat Wave' she realized that it fit. The character that he crafted around the name was so… right. How did he do it? His words comforted her through the worst moments of her life, long before they'd ever met. For the past four years she'd had not only his written words but his spoken word as well. As annoying as he could be at times, he always managed to say and do the right thing when it was needed most. How could she have waited so long? Dr. Burke would say that she wasn't waiting; she was healing, and not just from being shot. She knew he was right but she was amazed at the clarity of her thoughts from this side of the looking glass.

She opened the door the rest of the way and entered the office, cradling the warm ceramic mug in her hands. A smile lit up her eyes and Castle turned to watch her enter. He may not have had his tongue sticking out of his mouth while he was writing but the bedhead the he was sporting was just as adorable.

"Good morning sleepy head," Castle quipped.

"Morning yourself there Castle. Nice do you have going there," she replied pointing to his head.

Castle waved his hand a couple of inches over the top of his head brushing the hair that was sticking up in all directions. "I kinda like it. I think I'll try to start a new trend." Castle glanced up at her hair with a twinkle in his eyes. "Besides, I don't think you're one to talk with that bird's nest on your head." He smiled and wiggled his fingers at her hair to emphasize his point.

Kate waved a hand at her head. "Yeah well with the rain last night and _someone_ keeping me from my nightly routine, this is what you get."

"I will take my share of the blame for that, but _someone else_ was the instigator. I am very glad she did by the way."

Kate looked directly into his eyes. "No regrets?" Sophia Turner's words had drifted back to her. She said that she wished that she and Rick had never slept together; that it would have kept the longing. Kate knew that Sophia was probably playing her. The traitor told so many lies, weaved so many tales that this was just another way to sow mistrust between her and Castle. She could probably see the spark between them and wanted to twist the knife before the end. Hell, everyone but them had seen this coming for years. Kate knew that for her, this was for real but she needed some reassurance from him.

Castle took her hand in his and gentle ran his thumb over her knuckles, returning her look. "None."

Kate dropped her head and released the breath that she didn't even know that she had been holding. "Good. Me neither." That's when she noticed the sweat pants that he was wearing. She looked up at his face with a smirk. "Really Castle, Superman?"

"Well you didn't actually call me Superman, but I inferred it from your reactions last night."

"Fair enough," Kate replied, laughing out loud.

"You were right you know."

Kate was confused. "About what?"

"Do you remember the conversation we had after our first case?"

Kate thought for a moment. "The one where you tried to pick me up?"

"That's the one. Go out to dinner and debrief each other. You asked me if it was so you could be another one of my conquests…"

"Or you could be one of mine."

"I said that it was too bad, that it would have been great. Then you said…"

Kate smiled, biting her lip as she leaned in close to whisper in his ear. "You have no idea."

Castle returned her smile. "You were right, I had no idea. If fact, I think Alexis might have a Supergirl t-shirt around here somewhere if you want to wear it. You have certainly earned the title."

Kate playfully hit Castle in the shoulder as they laughed together. "Thank you for the coffee by the way."

Castle started to get up from his chair. "You're very welcome. I figured I would continue the tradition even when we aren't at the precinct." Kate decided to wait a bit to break that news to him. "How about some breakfast to go along with your coffee?" he continued. Kate was about to reply that coffee was enough when her stomach answered his question with a loud growl. Castle chuckled, "I guess that's yes."

He leaned in and pressed his lips to hers. A little moan escaped her lips. "Mmmm, coffee and kisses in the morning. Are you trying to spoil me Mr. Castle?"

"From now to the end Ms. Beckett," Castle replied with a bit of a flourish. "Do want to grab a shower while I start cooking?"

"That sound like a great idea."

"There are extra towels in the bathroom cabinet and I'll meet you in the kitchen when you're done." Castle turned to leave and jumped as Kate gave his butt a little pinch. "Why Detective, I would have brought you more than a bearclaw in the morning if knew this was what it did to you."

Kate just smiled as she made her way to the shower.

* * *

_This chapter was turning out to be much longer than I originally imagined so I decided to split it up. I also want to get something posted to make sure that the updates would continue in a somewhat timely manner. The next chapter will be up soon. Thanks to all who read and review. Remember, reviews are better than crack and twice as addictive so please support my habit._


	4. Chapter 4

10:30am.

Kate didn't usually take such long showers but the hot water did wonders for her sore muscles. She was running her fingers through her damp hair as she examined her body in the bathroom mirror.

She recalled every detail of her fight with Maddox as she traced the bruises. Her finger traces the circle of the large bruise on her sternum from the heal strike that left her unable to breathe. She noticed her discolored forearms as she brushed the marks around her throat where he choked her. He turned and examined the back of her shoulders and neck; the results of his flip because she couldn't quite lock down her own choke hold around his throat; his blow to the back of her neck that left her vision blurred.

She couldn't completely suppress the shudder that ran through her body.

"There was no way that Rick could have missed this last night, or this morning for that matter," she thought as she looked away from the mirror. She thought it odd that he didn't mention anything. "Last night he could have missed it, but this morning?" She knew it would be added to the long list of things that they would have to discuss.

She pushed it to the back of her mind as she moved to his closet. She really didn't want to put her own clothes on yet. It would give him the impression that she wanted to rush through breakfast then rush out the door. She definitely didn't want to leave and didn't want give him any indication that she would. The time for running away was over. She wanted to run toward something now, well toward _someone_ to be more specific. She found one of his t-shirts and a pair of sweat pants.

The shirt was baggy but she drew it up to her waist and made a makeshift knot to keep it in place. A problem presented itself when she slipped the sweatpants on. She drew the drawstring as tight as it would to keep them up but her feet didn't come close to reaching the end of legs. She was so used to the heels that almost made up their height difference that she forgot how tall Rick was. Oh well, just roll them up. It looked kind of funny but she didn't care; it was comfortable.

The smell of food made her stomach rumble again as she entered the kitchen. Castle placed a fresh cup of coffee in front of Kate as she took a seat on a barstool.

"Judging by the growl that your stomach was making, I figured I'd make more than the standard breakfast," Castle said as he placed a big platter on the island.

"Eggs, bacon and… pancakes." Kate looked at Castle with a gleam in her eyes. "Are pancakes becoming another one of our 'things' Castle?"

"Maybe," he replied. "I remembered something the Esposito said one time. Pancakes are not just breakfast…"

Kate finished the quote. "It's an edible way of saying thank you _so_ much for last night."

"You heard that?" Castle asked while placing plates in front of the two of them.

"Yeah well, Ryan was a little smug after questioning me. I saw him walk over to you and Espo so I sort of slid over and eavesdropped a little."

"Sneaky, I like it. You want something else to drink?" He walked to the refrigerator, opening the door. "I've got milk, orange juice; some water perhaps?

"Orange juice would be great, thanks." Kate started plating the food while Castle poured them each a glass of the juice. "You're welcome for last night, although if it was any indication of the future, next time I'll be the one making the pancakes."

"Wow!" Castle exclaimed placing a hand over his heart. "You feeding my ego? You never do that." A twinkle appeared in Castle's eyes that Kate found irresistible. "I will have to step up my game _next time_. Beckett pancakes are a great incentive."

Kate took the first bite of the feast before her. "Mmmm, that is so good! What did you do to these eggs?"

"The secrets of the chef can't just be spoken. The secrets must experienced in order to be passed on correctly. You'll just have to join in when I cook for you to find out."

"That would be fun. I used to cook with my mother when I was a girl, though I haven't done it in a long time."

Castle's eyes dropped to his plate. The subject of her mother had always been a bit touchy. He didn't want to continue that conversation if it was going to make her uncomfortable. Kate sensed the sudden change in his mood and reached out to grab his hand. "Hey, it's ok," she reassured him. He perked up a bit and ate another forkful of pancakes.

Kate figured that he wasn't quite ready for that yet so she changed the subject. "What were you working on when I came into the office; finishing up 'Frozen Heat'?"

"No, the book is pretty much finished. I'm just waiting on final edits from the publisher. Sometimes my brain just gets… full; potential plotlines that might be useful or just freeform writing; things that I just need to purge." Castle was just pushing food around his plate now with his fork. His mind drifted back to the nightmare.

Kate paused for a moment. She wasn't sure if she should bring it up, but that had to start talking about these things. Lack of communication about what each other was thinking had caused them so many problems in the past. If they were going to start building a future, they had to talk about the things that bothered them.

"Was it about the nightmare?" she asked quietly, afraid of how he might react. Castle started to respond but paused. The denial that he was about to speak faded from his lips to be replaced by a sorrowful smile. "We really should talk about this kind stuff. It's always gotten us into trouble in the past when we haven't." It was a great joy to Kate that they could be in such close sink, even away from a case.

They each grabbed a second helping before Castle spoke again.

"I've seen a lot of pretty terrible things first hand since I started shadowing you," Castle started. "None of that ever really bothered me. I had done a lot of research for my early books; saw a lot of crime scene photos so I was pretty much used to that. The nightmares started after the Coonan case."

Castle paused there and looked Kate in the eyes. He wanted to make sure that this wasn't too difficult for Kate. All he saw was a calm compassion reflected back from her. She wanted to let him get it out. As he continued, his eyes lost focus as he relived the nightmare.

"In the dream Coonan follows through on his threat and puts a bullet in me. I collapse to the floor and you freeze, just staring at me. Coonan then shoots you before Montgomery takes him out. I try to crawl to you but I can't. I was forced to watch you die without being able to help."

Castle snapped to the present and turned his gaze to Kate. Her eyes glistened with tears. She held them back and asked a question. "Have you ever talked to anyone about this?"

"Not yet. Writing is a sort of therapy for me. I always figured I would talk to someone if they got to be more than I could handle." They had finished eating and Castle was clearing their plates. He felt like he needed something to keep hands busy while he continued.

"They don't happen too often. They are always variations of the same theme; you die when your apartment blows up because I couldn't reach you on the phone. I couldn't find your gun and had to watch you drown when our car was pushed into the river. Last night, the dream just sort of faded away. I think it's because you were with me."

Kate moved around the island and took the glass from his hand. She placed it on the counter next to the sink and wrapped her arms around his waist drawing him into a hug. She broke the hug after a moment and leaned back. She cupped his face in her hands and gently forced him to look at her.

"I'm alright. You were there; each and every time. For the last four years you've been there."

"But I wasn't yesterday. I think that's what caused the dream last night. I should have been there."

"I'm glad you weren't." Castle gave her a confused look. "Before I explain that, there are a few things that we need to talk about." She took their coffee cups and refilled them to give her a moment to collect her thoughts. She returned to the barstool and faced Castle.

"I want to go back a few months," she started. "You were in observation when I was interrogating Bobby weren't you, during the bomb case? You heard me tell him that I remembered everything after being shot."

"Yeah," Castle replied softly. "I did." He hung his head in shame. "I should have just talked to you about that. My reaction was not one of my prouder moments."

"Maybe not, but I should have been the one to tell you. You shouldn't have had to hear that the way you did." Kate paused. She had thought of how she wanted this conversation to go for a year, but never quite had the wording right. She decided to start at the beginning.

"After I was shot, I knew it was bad. The initial pain of the bullet faded to a sort of numbness. I thought, no I knew that I was going to die. Your words were the last thing I heard before everything went black. They gave me the strength to hold on; the strength to fight."

"When I woke up, I saw someone standing over me. I thought it was you but it wasn't. It was Josh. Doubt started to creep into my mind. Maybe you said what you said because you thought you were never going to see me again. Maybe you didn't mean it."

Castle started to interrupt. "But…" Kate placed her fingers over his lips. "Please, just let me get through this?" he nodded and remained silent.

"I was a mess after I woke up. Montgomery had just died and I hadn't had any time to process all of that. Someone wanted me dead and just put a bullet in my chest. You could have taken that bullet."

Castle did interrupt this time. "I would have." Kate's expression softened.

"I know. You almost did, and I would have had to face Alexis. She is just about the same age as I was when I lost my mom and the thought of her turning out like me scared me to death. I didn't know who was out there, if they were going to try again; when they would try again. I thought that they might go after you, or Alexis, or Martha. I thought that the best way to keep you safe was to push you away so I lied. It wasn't one of _my_ prouder moments. I realized yesterday that I did what I accused you of. I treated you like a child and took your choice away from you; whether to stay with me or not."

"I can't really argue with you about that. You were right, I did the same thing." They were both silent for a moment before Kate continued.

"The day after you left, my dad told me about what Josh said to you; about him shoving you. I may have been drugged senseless but anger has a way of burning though that. I'm sorry for that, he had no right to say that you."

"He wasn't wrong. I started this. I put you in the crosshairs."

"Hey, look at me." Kate had a fierce look in her eyes. "That was my choice. You tried several times to get me drop it. I know that you feel guilty about it but I want you to try and start closing that wound right now. It was my choice to continue. Ok?"

Castle grabbed her hand. "I'll try."

"Good. Now where was I… oh yeah, Josh. He had no right to say that to you and I told him so. You and I had each other's back for years, you are my partner. He obviously couldn't understand, didn't even try to as a matter of fact. I told him we were through and haven't seen him since."

"You had my back, even then."

"Always, even with a bullet hole in my chest and hopped up on pain killers."

Castle let out a chuckle. Kate smiled; glad the she could lighten the mood a bit. This had to be difficult for him to hear.

"I went to my dad's cabin after I left the hospital. I was a paranoid mess and started to cut off everyone but dad."

"I don't think it qualifies as paranoid when someone has actually tried to kill you Kate," Castle interjected; a bit of the gleam back in his eyes.

Kate smiled back. "Touché, but I may have taken it a bit far. I kept the shades drawn, told dad how to check for and avoid a tail; I sort of felt like a character in one of your books. Anyway, I had dad bring me a copy of 'Heat Rises' when it came out. I read the acknowledgements."

"You showed me how to make sense of songs."

"I knew right then that you meant every word that you said in the cemetery. That was the first crack in the walls. You've been hammering away at them for years, weakening them, but that was the first crack. I wanted a shot at have something with you, but those walls had to come down. I continued seeing Dr. Burke after he cleared me for duty. I wanted to put myself back together. I wanted to get back to being the person that you fell in love with."

"That lie was hanging over my head. Things were going so well between us. We were getting back to us, getting closer. I could never find the right time or place to tell you the truth. I was going to tell you during the bombing case. That case really drove home the reality of our situation. I didn't want to waste any more time. There wasn't much let of the walls at that point. Just one little shove… but we kept getting interrupted."

Castle completed Kate's thought. "Then Bobby came along."

"Yeah, then Bobby came along." Kate paused and took a deep breath.

"I'm glad you weren't there yesterday because what were left of the walls exploded."

Castle was confused. "It thought you wanted me around when they came down."

"I did but when it happened I was hanging off the edge of a twenty story building"

"What!?"

"We'll get back to that but there is something that you have to understand first. The fact that you weren't there; that you walked away was the thing that scared me the most. I thought that I had pushed you away for good. It made me realize that everything else didn't matter. If you weren't there by my side, nothing mattered. I just wanted you."

She softened the grip that she had on his hands. She didn't realize that she was squeezing that hard. He didn't either because he was just looking in her eyes. "Can you forgive me Rick?"

"I can if you can forgive me." He paused and Kate gave him a slight nod to continue. She knew he had his own tale to tell and she was ready to hear it. It was like the sound of more foundation blocks being set. Just like last night when she took his nightmare away.

Castle knew that it wasn't easy for Kate to share what she had just told him. It gave him comfort to hear it. Hearing what she felt for him was cleansing for his soul. "Well as much as I want (and dread) to hear about you hanging from the side of a building, I think you deserve to hear my secrets first. I guess being the writer there's only one place to start..."

Kate nodded and finished the thought. "…from the beginning."

* * *

**A/N** – Thank you to all those who take the time to write reviews and follow my tale. It's a great incentive to keep exercising my fingers.

**Disclaimer:** As always, I own nothing but my own imagination, but thank you to Andrew for letting me play with your toys.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:** As always, I own nothing but my own imagination, but thank you to Andrew for letting me play with your toys.

* * *

11:15am

Castle and Beckett moved to the couch in the living room. Kate sat at one end, sat crossed legged and leaned against back against the arm. Castle sat near her with his arm propped along the back of the couch facing her. His brow furrowed, trying to decide exactly where to begin.

"When we first met…" he began.

Kate couldn't help but smile and interrupt. "You weren't kidding about starting at the beginning were you?"

"Well you know me," Castle smiled back. "It's gotta be the full story; which funny enough, is where it all started for me." Castle's eyes lost focus as he remembered. That always fascinated Kate. She'd seen it when they were working a case. It was like everything else just faded away and the scene playing out in his mind wouldn't let him see anything else.

"I had always been good reading people; charm them into getting whatever I wanted. You never bought into it. You threw everything back into my face. No one had ever done that and I was fascinated. Nikki was born that first day. I didn't know all the details right away, but she was definitely there." Kate's eyes lost focus too brought back to the memory of their first meeting.

"I was attracted to you from the moment I saw you but it became more than that. You were immune to me. You were a mystery that I had to solve. When we were going through my fan mail and I described why you became a cop, I was right on the mark. When I saw the look on your face, I immediately regretted it. That haunted look in your eyes."

"Then you told me about your mom after the Melanie Cavanaugh case. I had a feeling that it wasn't something that you shared with just anybody. I got the case file that night after you went home."

"How did you get the file anyway?" Kate asked. "You don't have access to those records."

"I can't tell you. I was threatened with bodily harm if I let on."

Kate thought for a moment, "Espo." Castle's eyes lit with fear. "No, no, it wasn't…"

"It's ok Rick. The boys knew about my mother but Javi is former special ops. Loyalty means everything to him. He like a brother, he would do anything for a teammate even if it meant breaking the rules a bit. That's why he followed me yesterday."

Castle started to ask a question but Kate stopped him. "We'll get to it later," she said softly.

Castle nodded and continued. "Well, I started doing some digging. I called in a view resources and found out about them knife wounds. Before I could tell you, you read me the riot act; said that we'd be through if I dug into it. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to ruin what we were building and writing hadn't felt that good in a long, long time. I had to tell you though. I wouldn't have been right to keep it from you. It's ironic how ignoring that almost cost me again. I didn't learn my lesson the first time." Castle hesitated, getting lost in his guilt. Kate put a reassuring hand in his forearm. It gave him the courage to continue.

"Well you followed through and sent me away. You stayed firm even after the one case that you said we could work. You were only half right there. There was a selfish aspect to what I did, that part was true. I can't stand unsolved puzzles and unfinished stories. I guess it's a pitfall that writers have trouble avoiding. But you all had become friends too. The success of my books; the contacts that I've developed; and the resources that I have puts me in a unique position to help those that I care about.

Castle paused be looked Kate in the eyes. "I really was trying to help. I wanted to give you the closure that I could see that you needed. I wanted to give you the one thing that I had seen you bring to so many others." A slight smile came to his face. "When I went home that night, Alexis actually made me see a really big mistake that I made."

"What was that?"

"She was having boy trouble. She asked me why boys couldn't just apologize; why they always had to justify their actions."

"She's a smart girl."

"She was smarter at fifteen than I am now. She was right too. That's why returned to the precinct that night."

"I owe that girl more than I can ever repay."

"You and me both." Castle smiled and continued. "I was willing to let her case go, just drop it. I didn't want to risk what we had again; not only being with you, but for the first time in my life I felt like I was making a difference. The case wasn't done with us though, thanks to the Coonan brothers."

"Castle, Montgomery was right. I would have wanted to take another shot at my mom's case eventually. The need was ingrained too deep inside of me. I didn't it would happen the way it did, but it was inevitable."

"Yeah, but the Coonan case cost both of us so much and we'd come so close. You lost a solid lead to save me."

"I would do it again in a heartbeat." She looked him straight in the eyes. "You mean more than any case, even my mother's. I can't honestly say that has always been true, especially given recent events, but it is now. I don't want anything to get between us again." That bond was there in their eyes. They could always say so much without saying a word.

Castle nodded and proceeded forward. "It kept coming back; Raglan and Lockwood. I can't begin to tell you how satisfying it was to punch that guy out. I couldn't type for a week but it was so worth it."

Kate's eyes twinkled. "The kiss was worth it too. You curled my toes Castle."

"I think I actually went blind for a couple of seconds," Castle smiled then sighed. "I wasn't sure that he would break in prison. His eyes were so cold; like he'd seen and been through more than I could ever imagine for one of my books, but I had hoped. Then he escaped, and I knew in my gut that he wasn't finished. We'd been through enough together for me to know fear, but this cold knot formed in my heart. I knew they were going to come after you and that scared me to death."

Kate's expression sobered. "Then we had our first big fight."

"Yeah," Castle could never forget that one. "I actually met you father for the first time shortly before."

"Really?" Kate was surprised. "I thought you met him at the hospital."

"No, he came to the loft to see me. He never told you that?"

"No, he never mentioned it."

"He wanted to see how you were doing. I guess you hadn't spoken to him for a while."

Kate thought back. "Just a bit, but I didn't fill him in on what we were working on. I just told him that we had a suspect and were trying to chasing him down."

"I gave him a bit more; that the guy was a trained killer. I got the feeling that he wanted to try to talk you down, but he said that you would listen to him and wouldn't back down. He practically begged me not to let you throw your life away."

Kate could see their argument in a different light now. "I love my Dad but that wasn't fair of him to do that to you. You didn't deserve that kind of pressure."

"Don't be too hard on him. He was desperate. I understand a father's need to help and protect his daughter. It was a burden that I already shared anyway. I loved you even then. Everybody around us could see it even if I couldn't say it to you that night. Montgomery basically told me the same thing that your father did the next day."

Kate nearly choked on her next breath. "What?" The question was no more than a whisper.

"Esposito, Ryan and I were updating him on what we found with the altered records. The guys left to start tracking that down and I hung back to talk to Roy. I asked him to take you off the case. He told me how you both met in the records room; how he saw the tenacity and stubbornness in you. He said that he never could make you stand down. He figured that I was the only one who could."

The tears that Kate was trying to hold back slid down her cheeks. Everything surrounding their argument that night slid into place. He mentioned the people that loved her. She remembered the desperation on his face and in his voice; then the anger when she pushed back. "I'm sorry."

It was Castle's turn to be confused. "For what?"

"I said some really horrible things to you…"

"You didn't know the whole story. Besides, it's not like what you said wasn't true. I went about it all wrong. I should have told you that night."

"It wouldn't have made a difference then. I felt the same way about you but I was in too deep, we were too close again. My blinders were on. I couldn't… didn't want to see anything else. I always thought that there would be time after we finished the case." Kate paused, reflecting on her own statement.

Time… timing," Castle said, breaking the silence. He continued when Kate looked up at him. "It's funny how we are so in sync when it comes to a case but when it comes to us on a personal level the timing always sucks."

"You think the universe is conspiring against us?" Kate quipped.

"I think it's actually rooting for us. It just had to take some pretty extreme measures to make us see. After all we've been through; we're still here, together."

Kate moved to his side and put her head on his shoulder. "I like that."

As Castle continued, Kate could feel his words vibrating through his chest. She nestled in closer, the feeling relaxing her. "Then came the hanger."

Kate's brow furrowed. One word slipped from her mouth. "Timing."

"Yeah, Roy called me for backup. He knew that you weren't going to willingly leave and told me to carry you out of there if I had to." Castle's vision blurred. "God I miss him Kate. I know what he did was wrong but he was a good man."

"I know I do too." She thought back to her own experiences as a rookie; thought about Royce. "Young cops are a lot like children. We look up to our elders, put them on a pedestal. I got lucky with Royce. No matter what happened at the end, he was a great cop. He taught me the right way to do the job. Roy got in over his head with people that he trusted, that should have protected him until he could do it on his own. Instead they used him to their own ends."

"He seemed like he was a lot like Royce," Castle said. "He continued trying to make up for the mistake that he made, just like Mike did after his mistake with you."

Kate frowned. "He ended up paying for it with his life too. I seem to be the common denominator here."

"Maybe you are, but not in the way that you are probably thinking." Kate looked up at him. "You are the kind of person that inspires those around you. It's the way you approach things, you want to do it right, you want the truth. You'll dig until it comes out and not take any short cuts. It inspires people around you to try to live up the same ideals."

Castle smiled. "Look at me; I've changed by just being around you. I didn't even know that I wasn't the person that I wanted to be until I met you. I didn't make a conscious decision to do it, the change just happened."

"You changed me too Rick. I was so focused on the job. Roy said that I wasn't having any fun until you showed up. That was why he let you stay."

They were silent for a moment before Castle continued. "I thought we ran out of time at the cemetery. After I saw where you'd been hit, I knew it was bad. There was so much blood…"

Kate grabbed his hand. She had come to terms with this through her sessions with Dr. Burke. Castle had had no one to unburden himself to. He and the boys had buried themselves in work, trying to find leads to solve not only her mother's case but her own shooting. She squeezed his hand trying to lend him the strength to continue.

"When I told you that I loved you it wasn't just because I never thought I'd see you again. I said it because I needed you. I had thousands of cups of coffee to bring you coffee to see your smile. I would miss you rolling your eyes at me when I annoyed you; all of the little things that made up our world. I didn't want to let you go, but if you couldn't stay I wanted you to know the truth. I wanted you to hear me say it before you went wherever it is that we all go and the end.

'I saw you die." Kate winced at that. It still upset her a year later that he had to go through that. "Esposito had to pull me off of you so that Lanie could get to work saving you. When your heart stopped in the ambulance on the way to the hospital it felt like mine did too. Lanie brought you back and we made it to the hospital.

"I didn't sleep much when you were unconscious. The guys and I would send all day trying to come with leads and run them down. At night I would sit with you, holding your hand, trying to will you to come back. Josh would come by to check on you but he never stayed long when I was there. He would check your vitals and the chart and leave. I can't prove it but I think he'd tried to get the nurses to kick me out as I wasn't immediate family. Plus he didn't like me and I wasn't too fond of him either. I like to think that the look on my face got them to allow me to stay, but I think your dad may have mentioned something to him and the nurses and they left me alone.

"I was starting to slip away; the longer you were unconscious. I know mother and Alexis saw it. I only saw them when they came to your room at night to check on the both of us. They tried to get me to come home to get some sleep but I refused. I wanted to be there is case you woke up. Nothing else mattered.

"I was asleep at a desk at the twelfth when I got the call that you were awake. I went home to clean up and went to see you." Castle didn't talk about their conversation at the hospital. There wasn't any need to review that so he skipped ahead.

"The more time that passed without a call from you, the angrier got. I tried to tell myself that you were alive and that was the important thing. We threw ourselves into your shooting and I spent my nights finishing the final edits for 'Heat Rising'. Then I heard that you were released and still no call. Gates was assigned to the twelfth and one the first things she did was close down the investigation and kick me out.

"Ryan and Espo smuggled all of the files that we'd collected here to keep Gates from getting them. We knew that she would keep the investigation open but we had to protect Montgomery. So the files sat here and we gave up for the moment.

"The book was about to come out and Paula and Gina kept calling and pestering me about meetings, signings, appearances things like that. I didn't want anything to do with that. They finally gave up after I screamed at the both of them when they showed up at the door. Alexis was up stairs and heard the whole thing. A couple of days later she tried to convince me to go on a tour. She thought that maybe some time away would help. I almost bit her head off.

"I hadn't left the loft in a few weeks and I was going through entirely too much scotch when your dad showed up at my front door again. There I was in pajama bottoms and t-shirt that I hadn't changed in a week with a drink in my hand."

Kate was surprised again. She was really going to have a talk with him.

"Alexis called him," he answered her unasked question. "He made a trip back from the cabin to see me when she told him what was going on. I was shocked into silence when I opened the door so he just came right in. Alexis disappeared up to her room and left us alone to talk. He took the drink out of my hand, poured it down the drain and started a pot of coffee.

"We just talked for hours. He said that he could see the path that I was headed down; that he'd walked it already and held nothing but darkness and despair. He told me that you were slowly healing. You were still weak but you were healing. That gave me some comfort but I was still angry. I didn't tell him but I thought that you blamed me for getting shot and that you chose Josh and were moving on."

"What?!" Kate exclaimed. "Dad knew that I had broken it off with Josh. He was one of the things that I needed to get away from. Why didn't he say something?"

"Maybe he thought that it wasn't his place; didn't want to interfere too much. Maybe he didn't want to incur your wrath if things went bad and you found out." Castle smiled a bit at that. "Maybe the universe wouldn't let him. As we both know, it did have more in store for us before we finally figured it out."

Kate smiled. "You might be right. I'm still going to have a long talk with him."

Castle winced. "Text me so I can schedule a book signing in Des Moines when that conversation takes place." Kate playfully slapped his shoulder. "It's not going to be like that. It'll be an 'apology and thank you' type of talk."

Castle laughed. "That I think I could handle. After talking with you dad, I decided that both he and Alexis were right. I had to get myself together and get back out into the world. I still didn't want to leave the city or do any reading but I scheduled some signings. You found me again."

"Another thing I have to thank Alexis for." Kate interjected.

Castle nodded in agreement. "You looked good; thinner with a haunted look in your eyes but good. After I played the mayor card and we started working together again…"

"…baseball bat to a beehive."

"It was so worth it." Castle's smile was short lived. "Anyway, we started working together again I could see that you were close to the edge again. That's when I got the call from Smith." Castle could feel Kate stiffen at his side but continued.

"I told you what he said the other night. I was at war with myself. I wanted to tell you but in your state of mind you would have rushed headlong into the lion's den. I know now what a hypocrite was when I found out about your secret, but I couldn't lose you again."

Kate placed a hand over his lips. "I understand why you did it. It stills hurts but my own secret hurt you too. You were right though, I would have run straight into trouble. I don't like it, but you saved me from myself."

"It looks like we have some trust to build back up between us." Castle held out his hand. "How about we make a promise, no more secrets?"

Kate brushed his hands away and cupped his face in both hands. "No more secrets." She leaned in and gave him a long, gentle kiss.

Castle smiled when they finished. "A pact sealed with a kiss. I like it." He reached for her shoulders to bring her in for a hug and Kate winced at his touch. Castle froze for a moment and released her shoulders. He gently bushed his fingers along the bruises that he could see along her neck above the shirt but didn't ask the question that was on his mind.

"You had to notice these," Kate said running her own fingers beside his. Castle nodded but still remained silent. Kate searched his eyes but he had his poker face on and couldn't read him.

"We were very enthusiastic last night but I know I didn't go this far."

"But you didn't ask?"

"I figured that you would tell me when you were ready. I resigned myself to the fact that this is one of those things that comes with falling in love with a cop."

Kate let out a big sigh and Castle knew that the end of her tale was coming.

"Rick, I'm not a cop anymore"

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**A/N** – My references to Jim Beckett before Beckett was shot are a combination of both the season three ender and the outtake that I reference in a chapter two. I liked both versions so much that I had to combine them.

Also, school starts for me tomorrow but I have set aside time in my schedule to write so my posts will come in a more timely manner. Thank you to all of you for reading, reviewing and following. The support means more than I can say.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer:** As always, I own nothing but my own imagination, but thank you to Andrew for letting me play with your toys.

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12:15pm

Castle was stunned. His imagination had run through dozens of scenarios about her story would end but…

"I never saw that coming," Castle verbalized the end of his thought. It was difficult to believe. He knew that she had different dreams when she was younger, but he had never known her as anyone but Detective Kate Beckett. He was stuck, all of the images of who Kate Beckett will be, could possibly be now.

Kate looked at Castle as he just stared, eyes unfocused, at the door to his office. She had this fleeting moment of doubt. _Will he still want me if I'm not a cop?_ She quickly forced the thought from her mind. She didn't doubt his love; not any more. She moved to sit on the coffee table in front of him to break his gaze and took both of his hands in hers.

"Rick?"

"Hmm? Sorry," Castle said as he refocused on her. "Just took me by surprise. Kind of a bombshell you just dropped."

"Yeah, well sorry about that. I couldn't think of any way to ease into it so you got the band-aid method. Are you… are we ok? "

"You think…" Castle was confused for moment until it hit him. "You thought that I wouldn't be interested anymore if you weren't a cop?"

"Well no… yes, maybe. I don't know. You just sort of zoned out there for a second. Normally I can read you pretty well but…"

Castle reversed his hands and took hers in his. He looked into the hazel eyes that captivated him from the first moment he saw them. "I didn't fall in love with the badge. I fell in love with the woman behind it. It wouldn't have mattered if you were a school teacher or a stripper the result would have been the same."

Kate leaned her head back and arched an eyebrow. "Really Castle? A stripper?"

_Uh-oh Castle. You're officially together like twenty-four hours and you already forced her to give you the look._ "That didn't _quite_ sound so bad in my head. I was just trying to picture two extremes; meaning that it doesn't matter what you do but who you are."

Kate's eyes twinkled and she couldn't hold back the laugh any longer. "It's ok Castle, I knew what you meant. You said stripper and I couldn't resist messing with you a little."

"I think I almost had a panic attack." Castle said, his right hand patting his heart. "Even without the badge you got that look."

"That's not a cop thing Castle, it's a gender thing."

"Really? I thought it was something they taught you in 'Interrogation 101' at the police academy."

Kate shook her head. "Nope, women are born being able to do it."

Castle laughed out loud. "That explains the looks I used to get from Alexis when she was four. It was more cute than scary then but she perfected it over the years."

Kate laughed with him and leaned to place her forehead against his. "I'm sorry. That was mean of me."

"Maybe a little mean, but funny too. I sort of walked into that one."

"You did but I took advantage. How about I make it up to you with this?" Kate brought her mouth to his and gently bit his lower lip.

"You apologize very nicely. Feel free to be mean to me anytime." Castle placed his hand behind her head and drew her closer to deepen the kiss.

After a moment, Kate pushed back to break the kiss and catch her breath. "Hmm, as much as I'd like to continue this I think I should continue telling you about yesterday."

"Probably a good idea," Castle sighed. "You know how easily I can get distracted."

Kate proceeded to tell Castle about the events of the previous day that left her hanging from the side of the Rosslyn Hotel. She could feel Castle's anxiety rise as she related how Maddox surprised her outside of the hotel room and knocked out Esposito. It rose even further as she described her fight with the assassin.

"This guy was good Castle; scary good." He could see her hands shaking a bit as she relived each blow. "I mean I gave him a full out, round kick to the face and it didn't even slow him down. I can hold my own in a fight and he was just toying with me. I tried one last, desperate attempt to tackle him; take him down and get some leverage. He just grabbed me as I hit him and used my momentum to throw me toward the edge of the roof."

Castle fought the urge to get to his feet and pace. Guilt washed over him again for not being there, but he forced himself so remain seated, holding her hands to try and calm her.

"I grabbed onto the ledge as I slid over," Kate continued. "There was no solid hand hold and I was already tired. He looked down at me, taunted me and walked away. I guess he figured that gravity would finish the job. Besides, he had to clear out. He had killed the manager and Espo could wake up at any moment. He had to gather up the Montgomery's files and get out incase backup showed. We didn't have any backup though."

"No back up?" Castle asked. "Why didn't you…"

"Espo and I went alone. Ryan was back at the precinct monitoring things in case Maddox moved." Kate paused and took a breath. She knew that this part wouldn't be easy for him to hear, but he had to. It was Kate's linchpin moment. "My hands were getting so tired, and I was starting to slip. I thought I would never see you again; never get to tell you how I felt." Kate took a deep breath because she knew that she couldn't explain what she was about to say next.

" I heard you call out to me Rick."

"How could you…"

Kate just shook her head. "I don't know. I can't explain it, but I heard your voice as clearly as I can now telling me to hang on. Whatever it was, it gave me hope. It gave me the strength to hold on a little bit longer and the walls inside of me just exploded. The strength didn't last though. I couldn't hold on any more. I felt the wind start to rush by me as I fell."

Castle breath caught in his throat and he couldn't stay seated anymore. He started pacing around the coffee table. Kate could barely hear him whispering to himself, "Oh God, oh God, Oh God." He stopped on the far side of the table and looked at Kate, unshed tears glistening in his eyes. "I should have been there." She could hear the pain, guilt and frustration in his voice.

Kate stood up and quickly closed the distance between them. "That's why I'm glad that you weren't there. Rick, Maddox wouldn't have hesitated to kill you and I couldn't have survived that. If things didn't happen the way they did…" Even now Kate struggled to find the right words. Anything that came to mind just wasn't strong enough to convey the emotions that she felt so she continued with her story.

"Ryan caught me right after my hand slipped. He disobeyed my order and went to Gates."

"Kate I know about the code, but I can't be mad at Kevin for breaking it. If fact I don't think I can thank him enough."

"I don't blame him. He did the right thing. We never should have gone in without backup. Everything that happened as a result is on me. Gates was on the roof with Ryan and the ESU team. You thought my looks were bad, mine pale in comparison to the one she was giving me"

Castle gave a slight smile. "Holy shit."

"I know, right?" Kate was glad she could lighten the mood a bit. "She read Espo and me the riot act when we got back to the station. She suspended us, demanded our guns and badges. Javi handed his over, I gave her mine and told her to keep it."

"Why?"

"When my mom was killed, it was like I was dumped in the middle of the ocean. I was drowning. I found my first lifeline in your books. They were something that I could lose myself in. It gave me a break from the pain. In your books, the hero always won and the bad guys were always brought to justice."

Rick smiled. "Will you tell me the screen name that you use on my website now?"

Kate smirked. "Not gonna happen Castle. A woman has to have some secrets." Rick held his finger and thumb about an inch apart. "This close." Kate smiled and grabbed both of his hands, moving them as far apart as she could reach.

"Your books helped me make the decision to become a cop. I wanted to find justice for my mom; closure for me and any others like me." Kate never thought of herself as a victim. In her mind, victims were powerless. She didn't want to be powerless, she wanted answers. "Your books were the lifeline that led me to a life preserver. The badge was that life preserver. It not only gave me the ability to help people it also gave me the opportunity and means to investigate my mom's murder."

Castle led them back to the kitchen. Castle poured them each another cup of coffee as Kate reclaimed her barstool. "Montgomery told me how he caught you in the records room when you were a uniform."

"I was a bit impatient. I found some things that didn't add up but after getting caught, I had to wait until I made detective to do a more thorough investigation. Even then I ran into dead end after dead end. It was obsessed. I wasn't eating or sleeping. I finally realized that I was just like my dad. He buried himself in alcohol; I buried myself in the search for justice. The department therapist helped me put it away and stabilize my life."

Castle frowned. "Then along came hurricane Castle."

"You did cause some waves, but it wasn't all bad. If the badge was a life preserver then you were dry land. Because of you I can see a life beyond her case. That's why I resigned. I want to find out want that life is."

Rick sat down beside Kate. "I'm behind you no matter what you decide to do. Do you have any idea?"

"Long term? Not yet," she replied placing a hand behind his neck drawing him close. "I do know where is want to start though." Castle's eyes lit up with his smile. "This is a good place," he said as he leaned in to meet her. Both were too busy to hear the sound of a key turning in the front door.

Alexis burst through the door, exhausted but excited to tell her dad about the all-night party after the graduation ceremony." Dad! I'm…" She froze in her tracks as she saw her dad standing in front of the kitchen island kissing a woman; a woman who look an awful lot like Detective Beckett."…home?"

Rick froze for a second. "Oops."

Kate couldn't help but snicker. "Twenty-something best sellers and the best you can come up with is oops?"

"Timing?" he asked.

"Yeah," she replied. The universe wasn't quite ready to let them off the hook yet. "Sounds about right for us."

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**A/N** – Special thanks to all followers and reviewers. I'm trying to get better at replies.


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